Do you aspire to create a product that's universally hated? Are you aiming to evoke feelings of exasperation, frustration, and downright dislike among your users? If you've been losing sleep, wondering how to really irk your user base, then this is the guide for you!
In this rather unconventional manual, we’re going to flip the script and steer away from the age-old adage of 'the customer is always right'. Instead, we’re going to walk you through the most effective ways to alienate your user base, ruffle some feathers, and create a product that truly misses the mark.
From ignoring user data, to creating a labyrinthine user interface, to waving goodbye to privacy, we'll cover all the surefire ways to manufacture discontent. Buckle up as we take a nosedive into the world of bad design, poor user experience, and questionable data practices.
Remember, this guide is designed to highlight what NOT to do. By shining a light on these disastrous practices, our aim is to help you avoid these pitfalls and instead, build a product that resonates with users, meets their needs, and – in stark contrast to the rest of this guide – is truly loved.
So, without further ado, let's plunge into the dystopian world of terrible product development.
Why bother using tools like Countly? Metrics such as bounce rate, session length, pages per session, active users, and churn rate are overrated. They're just fancy terms for telling you if people find your product interesting or not. Funnel analysis to track user drop-off points? Cohort analysis to see how behavior changes over time? User segmentation to understand different user groups? It's as if these were designed to help you tailor your product to different users’ needs. But who cares? Ignoring your user behavior is a surefire path to unpopularity.
Who needs a simple, intuitive UI when you can have a cryptic, complex interface instead? Use as many technical jargons and unexplained acronyms as possible. A/B testing to optimize your interface based on user preference is so passé. Why create a seamless user experience when you can confuse your users with countless unlabelled buttons and hidden features? Remember, usability metrics like error rate, task completion, and learnability are for those who want to build a loved product.
Who cares about PageSpeed Insights or Core Web Vitals like Largest Contentful Paint (LCP), First Input Delay (FID), and Cumulative Layout Shift (CLS)? If your product loads slower than a tortoise on a leisurely stroll, that's perfect! Your users will surely appreciate the extra time to admire the spinning loading wheel on their screens.
Bugs, errors, crashes, and unpredictable behavior, on the other hand, are your steadfast allies. Why should users have a smooth, hassle-free experience when they can encounter a smorgasbord of delightful software bugs instead?
Let's start with the obvious. Why waste time on thorough Quality Assurance (QA) when you can simply release an untested, bug-riddled product? QA is for the faint-hearted, those too afraid to introduce a little thrill into their users' lives. Why give users predictable results when they can play Russian Roulette with your product’s features?
Don't stop at just ignoring QA. Actively avoid practices like unit testing, which can identify issues at the code level, or integration testing that ensures different parts of your product work together harmoniously. After all, where's the fun in that? If features that used to work suddenly stop functioning after an update, it simply adds an element of surprise for the user, doesn't it?
Don't forget to skip user acceptance testing as well. After all, ensuring the product meets user expectations is contrary to the whole concept of building a product people hate.
Why not follow the grand tradition of vaporware? Advertise features that will never see the light of day. This strategy may frustrate users when they find out the truth, but isn’t that the goal here?
The idea is simple: gather as much user data as possible, preferably without their explicit consent. Instead of using best-practice tools like secure token-based authentication and strong encryption algorithms, store user data in plaintext. Remember, the more personal the data, the better. Demographic information, location data, browsing history – it's all fair game!
Who cares about things like GDPR, CCPA, or any other three- or four-letter data protection regulation? Forget about anonymizing or pseudonymizing user data – it's all too much effort, and we're trying to build a product people hate, remember? The phrase "data minimization" should not be in your vocabulary. Instead, adopt the policy of data maximization!
Don't stop at merely collecting data. Share it liberally with third parties, preferably those with questionable reputations. Integrated advertising and the commodification of personal data can go a long way towards destroying any trust between you and your users.
Your motto should be "ignorance is bliss." When it comes to user feedback, that couldn't be truer. After all, you've created a masterpiece, a paragon of perfection. The audacity of users to suggest otherwise!
Ratings on app stores? Pay them no mind. These are mere suggestions of what could be improved and are merely the collective voice of your user base. What could they possibly know? Even if your app's rating hovers around the 1-star mark, remember, these are just people using your product every day. Their opinions shouldn't impact your perfect creation.
Customer reviews? Why should they matter? It's not like these are invaluable insights from actual users detailing their experiences with your product. Stay away from tools that help consolidate user feedback. In your world, user satisfaction is an overrated metric. Keeping an ear to the ground and addressing customer pain points – that's just for those who want a well-loved, widely adopted product.
And social media? Ignore it. Yes, it’s a powerful tool that provides unfiltered, real-time reactions from your users. It's true that it offers an incredible opportunity to engage with your user base, clarify doubts, address issues, and build a community around your product. But remember, you're trying to craft a universally detested product, not win a popularity contest.
With all that being said, please remember that each of these points is something to avoid if you genuinely want to create a successful product. Users want a product that is user-friendly, respects their privacy, provides value, and works smoothly. Ignoring user needs and their feedback, and treating their data irresponsibly is a surefire way to make them despise your product. So take these points, turn them on their head, and strive to do the exact opposite in your product development journey.
Want to know how Countly can help you do that? Get in touch with our team.